Caveat: I am not a specialist in mental health or sexual addiction. These thoughts are intended as a stimulant for discussion and understanding, and are not intended as expert opinion.
Spanking can be sexual, and it can be a form of sexual addiction. I see no reason to analyze spanking activities differently from other sexual activities when we're trying to sort out whether or not it is healthy.
The criteria for diagnosing sexual addiction that I like best, and that are consistent with the views of many specialists in the field of addiction behavior in general, is that a person is a sexual addict if his or her sexual behavior causes significant life problems of any kind (psychological, marital, occupational, legal, or financial) and if, despite those problems, he or she continues with that behavior.
This definition does not specify the type and frequency of activities that qualify; so, for instance, for one person, masturbating at a particular frequency might cause job performance to suffer; another might masturbate twice as often and still be productive and effective on the job and at home. Of course masturbation is only an example here; this definition applies equally well to spending time on the internet, meeting people for real life activities, or any other sexual activity that you enjoy.
One limitation is that this definition is somewhat static; you meet the criteria at the time you continue the behavior, and there’s no clear way to work your way out. Some people feel that if you’re an addict once, you’re always an addict. My own view is that the addiction is so central to some people that they are always an addict even if they have the problem suppressed at the moment. Other people dip in and out of addiction, and it’s useful to be able to define if they are functioning as addicts at the moment. In any case, my goal is not to define who you are (addict or not) but how you are behaving (addictively or not).
In this section, I propose a new definition of stages or depths of sexual addiction. For conciseness’s sake I use the word “vanilla” to apply to all the things that give you a life in the world that doesn’t know about kink. My proposed stages are:
Disabling
Vanilla life pretty much grinds to a halt as you pursue your addictive activities. (This meets the classic definition of an addiction.)
Impairing
Addictive activities interfere with one or more competing life tasks. So, for instance, job performance or family relationships suffer because of the time and energy you are spending on the addictive behavior. (This might meet the criteria of an addiction depending on the level of impact on your vanilla life.)
Mildly impairing
You are able to do all your vanilla tasks, but your sexual activities take all the free time you have and they are all you think about much of the day. I’m making the point here that part of the time and energy we normally devote to vanilla tasks is dedicating our thinking times (while driving, while falling asleep, during pauses in dinner conversation) to a variety of problems. It is my belief that we owe some of that time to vanilla problem solving. (This stage would not be recognized as an addiction by the standard criteria.)
Absent
Finally, sexual addiction is absent if vanilla and sexual thoughts and activities compete on a relatively equal basis for your time and energy. Suppose that your ideal weekday morning routine is to masturbate, work out on the exercise bicycle, eat breakfast, and head for work, but you often don’t have enough time for all of these activities. A healthy (non-addictive) adaptation to that situation is to make on-the-fly compromises, so that one day your exercise is cut short, another day you skip masturbation or breakfast, etc. Your sexual activities don’t have to subsist on the crumbs of time left over by everything else, nor should they always come first; they should be subject to the same compromises that our busy lives impose in all areas.
Are you new to the amazing world of internet spanking? Amazed?? And obsessed???
The web is full of similar stories of people in agony over their unfulfilled desire to spank or be spanked. Not only is it normal for spanking to be a big part of your fantasy sexual life, it's normal for the desire to get stronger from time to time, just as it will ebb when you are sick or have a stressful new job. Whenever a new vista of spanking possibilities opens up you can expect to come down with spanking fever for a time. That doesn't mean you'll be obsessed with it night and day forever even if it seems that way now. You will probably get back to more nearly normal over time.
If you think about spanking night and day you are not alone, and it doesn’t mean you are sick.
In your journeys, whether online or in person, you’ll meet many people for whom spanking is vitally important. Some simply want to participate in spanking, some want to couple it with intercourse or other frank sexual expression, and others want spanking plus sex plus romance. But in every case, spanking is an indispensable part of their desire. This leads to difficult situations; one example among many is discussed in this conversation (I’ve altered the names) from soc.sexuality.spanking, an online spanking discussion group, a few years ago:
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Help! I'm so frustrated I could die!
I am a 43-year-old divorced white female living in the Midwest (Missouri), and
it has been over 3 years since my last spanking. I can't stop thinking about
what I want so desperately--a very long, very hard M/F otk spanking followed by
sweet tender lovemaking. Why is it so hard to find a loving spanker in the
Midwest who also wants a real relationship?My question is this--
I am a very monogamous person, and for me, spanking is sex, and sex is
spanking. It has always been difficult for me to imagine baring my bottom for
a spanking by someone with whom I am not already romantically involved, but I
am beginning to wonder if that would alleviate some of my frustration.I wonder if there are any other women like me, who find that their spanking
desires conflict with the romantic/relationship goals? Would it be helpful
for me to seek out spanking partners for spanking-only encounters? I have even
wondered if being soundly spanked by a woman (and I have absolutely NO lesbian
tendencies), would relieve some of my pent-up frustration and stress, without
leaving me with a guilt trip over having been intimate with a man with whom I
am not romantically involved.I am truly in agony, obsessed with being otk and receiving a long, hard otk
bare bottom spanking, but I wonder if the lack of sexual release would be even
more frustrating.Any thoughts from any of you would be appreciated.
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I sympathize and empathize with your situation. My husband stopped
spanking me a few years before I left. I was angry so did not feel the
need. As time went by the need for a spanking became overwhelming. I
can not imagine a spanking without sex either, I just get so turned on
and fear I would be embarrassed with the need after a spanking from a
non sexual partner.(I have never put myself in that position but thought
about it) Some things that help? Read the stories in here, read Ann
Rice, sleeping beauty series, and of course stock up with batteries ;-)
I have just recently met someone through the personals, we haven't
met yet but the verbal spankings he has been giving me on the phone are
very helpful. Hang on until you find what you are comfortable with. I
know it is sooooo very frustrating to need a spanking and not get one,
but imo if you don't feel comfortable with your spanker it won't really
satisfy the need.
Y@isp2.com=============================================================
Spankings in a context of a committed romantic relationship are
indeed wonderful things, but spankings in a context of warm friendship can
be pretty satisfying, too. For a couple of decades I would have written
the same thing you did regarding sex and spanking, but since discovering
the predecessor group to this one (alt.sex.spanking) and meeting some
wonderful people my modes of play have definitely broadened.<g>> I wonder if ther are any other women like me, who find that their spanking
> desires conflict with the romantic/relationship goals? Would it be helpful
> for me to seek out spanking partners for spanking-only encounters? I
have even
> wondered if being soundly spanked by a woman (and I have absolutely NO lesbian
> tendencies), would relieve some of my pent-up frustration and stress, without
> leaving me with a guilt trip over having been intimate with a man with whom I
> am not romantically involved.It might at that. I think there are other women who are basically het who
can and do enjoy spanking play together. I'm bi, so I cannot exactly speak
as het, but it does seem that it is easier for women playing with women to
draw certain lines (which is not to say that some men can't do satisfying
spanking without sex being involved). I exchange spankings with a number
of woman friends though (most of whom don't live as close to me as I'd
wish), and in most cases there is no overt sexual play involved. We may
sometimes feel those feelings, but we don't act on them within the scene
(and what we may each do privately, alone or with our spouse later on, is
our own business<g>). There is a kind of warm comfort and coziness in F/F
play that I think I would enjoy a lot even if I was het. Which is _not_ to
say it's wimpy. Most of the women I play with switch to at least some
extent, so they have a very good idea of just how much a womanly bottom can
take.;-)If you do decide to try playing with another woman, please don't freak out
if you start feeling those feelings. Spanking is pretty powerful stuff for
those of us wired this way. It doesn't have to mean that you have lost
your het orientation. It could just be the spanking turning you on, not
the other person really.
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