What the psychologists say
Science is imperfect, and the science of psychology is no exception. Psychologists, psychiatrists, and other mental health professionals want to understand, and to treat, even when their knowledge and tools are not really up to the task.
I began reading spanking erotica as an adolescent and soon discovered that psychological theories about spanking, and even notes supposedly written by psychologists, are quite common.
There was the psychologist who recounted the story of a stockbroker who came to see him for help. The stockbroker was under pressure from his boss to marry so he would appear to be a more stable member of the community. But the broker got his kicks from spanking women, hard. This did not make marriage an impossibility; there were (a few) women who would jump at the chance to marry him and be subjected to regular harsh paddlings. But he didn’t think any one woman’s bottom could take the frequent abuse he enjoyed dishing out.
The psychologist set to work. In the course of therapy, it turned out that the broker had an unconscious desire to hurt women that was a result of his latent homosexuality. Once this issue was revealed, steady progress was made (the details of this process were not made clear) and in good time, the broker was able to achieve a happy and successful marriage.
It sounded convincing; of course I was 18 when I read it.
Then I read another story that explained that a woman wanted to be spanked because it alleviated her unconscious sense of guilt. It sounded convincing, too; it didn’t occur to me that there is an alternative explanation, that she wanted to be spanked because it was sexually exciting, and the excitement was heightened if she focused on something she felt guilty about, so she deserved what she was getting.
If we look closely at the unconscious guilt theory, we see how poorly it plays out when we try to apply it to different people.
· Some people want to be spanked for a genuine reason: overspending, for instance.
· Some people are happy to be spanked for exaggerated reasons, dreaming up some offense that may not even have taken place.
· Some people want there to be a reason, but it can be nonsensical, like my favorite, the husband who spanked his wife because she made it rain.
· Some people are completely uninterested in reasons.
Perhaps some people want to be spanked because of unconscious guilt, but it’s hard to apply that theory across the spectrum of our diverse humanity. The same is true for the other varieties of sexuality that can bring so much pleasure: anal sex, enemas, gay sex, straight sex, if you want it, go for it and don't worry about the explanation. There doesn't have to be one.
I’ve read most or all of the standard texts about sadomasochism; their theories are all over the place and are never well justified. I should add that I am skeptical about their boasts that they cured someone of this desire. If you have a strong interest in spanking, neither counseling, therapy, hypnosis, nor a long sojourn at a monastery will change it in the least.
In some sense there must be an explanation for why I love spanking; or, to be more precise, for why my erotic interest is channeled so largely into spanking. Every adult has erotic desires, the variety of specific desired outlets is limitless, and it’s uncommon to have any understanding of why any one person desires any particular activity. Why is one man homosexual while another wants to have anal sex with an amputee? We don’t begin to know, and if someone tells you they have an explanation, I would take it with a grain of salt. Perhaps sometimes we can see a glimpse of the truth, but I go no further than that, and I trust your own intuition better than that of a professional who has never met you but claims to know what makes you tick.
Consider my friend Satia. We could apply any number of published theories to explain why she craves punishment so intensely. Perhaps she does have an unconscious sense of guilt for which she wishes to atone, or perhaps she was rejected as a child and has long seen spankings as a way to be close to a parent figure, still seeing herself as a child in many ways. Pick a theory, any theory, and roll it around on your tongue until you can see Satia as the (abandoned little girl) (guilty adult) (you name it) and her desire to be punished makes sense.
Until . . .
Until you remember that Satia also loves to dish out spankings. I have never met a more enthusiastic practitioner of the disciplinary arts; and if you let her tie you down and tell her she can do whatever she wants to your bottom, you are in for a very long afternoon. After half an hour or so, you will be saying to yourself, “What happened to the abandoned little girl?” as she pulls out another paddle, audibly laughing to herself at the pain it is going to cause you.
Here is how my friend Charli resolves this question:
I stopped trying to figure out why spanking is erotic for me. I have no idea and I don't honestly care anymore. The why isn't important to me.
My conclusions:
Reject any explanation that makes you feel like a loser. Few people had perfect childhoods, and every adult has issues they struggle with. Don’t ignore your problems, but don’t forget to celebrate your strengths, and don’t let someone else who doesn’t know you from Adam put you down.
My best guess is that the spanking desire is largely independent of other personality forces, but that it is modulated around the edges by the sort of relationships we want or fear, the childhood traces we carry with us, etc. There certainly are explanations for our desires, and if there’s an explanation that makes sense to you, fine; but I don’t accept explanations thrust on us by so-called experts who are still fallible people relying on a very imperfect science.
Even if you don’t understand your basic interest in spanking, you may well understand why your spanking desire takes a certain form, or wants to be expressed in a particular way.
My friend Sarah loves to spank hard and she is an incredibly caring, giving person. If you ever have the honor of being spanked by her, you will get just the spanking you want and she will make you feel wonderful about the experience and about yourself, even though your bottom may be hotter than ever before. That’s Sarah’s positive personality expressed in the setting of spankings. Whoever you are with, your spanking experiences will be strongly colored by that person’s individual character and preferences. This is true for any intimate act between two people, but I venture to say that ordinary intercourse is more likely to be similar between one couple and the next, and spanking is more likely to vary widely in physical expression and emotional content.
For more on what spanking means about your mental illness or health, see particularly Is Spanking a Sickness?