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Master X wrote me with this understandable concern
she suggested that i
contact you for advice...my issue is that i don't
know where the border / edge lies with her..and she wants me to go
over it...suggestions?
i'd appreciate any help you can give me...
Master X
Master X attached this note from his sub:
This is a bit difficult to write. However, it is
within our guidelines -- honest.
I had an insight i must share with you.
I want you to spank me "punishment" style -- very
hard, at least once. Perhaps not ever again would I
choose this. But I need it the one time. I need it
to be harder than I think I can handle -- harder than
I want to handle -- (do i really know what i'm asking
here?) -- perhaps the one time that safe words are to
be suspended. I trust that you will not hurt me
seriously. But I know, from reading those stories,
accounts rather, that I will be trying my damndest to
stop you and for this to be what i need it to be, you
mustn't stop.
I leave it up to you to choose the time and place and
method or methods.
And I don't know what I need to do this, just that I
must. And only by you. Perhaps I'm the pain slut we
suspect . . . perhaps it's just that i've never been
punished in that way and i think it will clear out a
lot of old cobwebs, perhaps i want to know just why i
shouldn't misbehave, perhaps it's a personal goal --
to know that I can take it, to learn not to be afraid
of it, that I can be physically hurt and not run away,
but tolerate it, take it, and go on. Perhaps it's a
lot of these things.
I expect to not like it. And that may be a part of it
-- doing something that requires discipline -- doing
something that I don't like and that hurts. Do you
understand?
I suspect that I should also tell you now, that I
don't want to have a choice of when this will happen
or, even necessarily, any warning or little warning
that it will happen. I would suggest that it happen
fairly soon into our new relationship. But, as
always, it's your decision and I'll abide and live
with it.
your beloved and devoted sub
My Answer
Dear Master X,
I’ll certainly help if I can.
A trusting partner is precious, and I admire your caution and your desire not to harm her. Very likely you’ll be able to fulfill her desires without plunging you both into some avoidable havoc.
My basic answer is that it’s probably possible to give her this kind of a spanking, but it may not be wise and is also probably not necessary to do it as a one time event. Better to build up to it, you’re not operating under a time limit, and while you can’t take back a punishment that goes awry, you can certainly build on one that goes well.
Let’s take it one step at a time.
Many women fantasize about being spanked hard, which we’ll define as “harder than they could voluntarily tolerate,” often with the understanding that it may be a “one time only” event. Hence her suggestion (but not clear request) that you and she dispense with a safeword this one time.
Sometimes the reality turns out to be fantastic and something that both partners do, in fact, want to repeat. Sometimes it’s more painful than she dreamed possible and turns out to be a mistake. Here is where the question of going over the edge, or past the limits, etc. comes into play.
To put this in your terms, she wants you to take her beyond the border of consensuality; you don’t want to push her beyond the point of harm. (Drawing on that old mantra, “safe, sane, and consensual,” she wants to dispense with “consensual” but you are worried about leaving “safe” and “sane” behind!)
When the woman wants to be spanked hard, the most prudent way to deal with her desire is simply to increase the intensity in stages. There is no reason to push boldly to the ninth level when you and she will have plenty of opportunity to try out levels 3, 4, and 5, for example. She may want a hard, long spanking but you may decide it is smart to administer, as a beginning, a spanking, while painful, is of moderate intensity and duration.
If you haven’t got a lot of experience with spanking, I would suggest always using a nice long warmup. No warmup spankings are something that require a considerable amount of experience to both administer and submit to well.
Onto the warmup, you add the punishment part, which can be short and not too harsh at first and increase from there. With a good warmup many women can be spanked amazingly hard and still want more.
The alternative is to dispense with the warmup and spank her hard from the beginning. This is experienced as much more painful (and provides a sobering perspective on the old fashioned spankings our grandparents knew first hand). As I said, I suggest keeping the warmup.
However you get to the painful part, you listen to her, you watch her, you feel her response, and when she reaches the “no more please, that’s enough!” stage you keep on going. Not indefinitely, but long enough to discover for yourselves what happens when you push past the “no more” stage. This works best if she’s vocal and tells you when she is there; otherwise there is a great deal of guesswork and to avoid problems it takes longer.
A couple of technical points. First, don’t spank on the upper half of her ass, there’s too much bone too close under the surface. Restrict yourself to the lower half of her bottom, and if you need more real estate you can extend the punishment to her upper thighs.
A hand spanking is unlikely to be painful enough to qualify as a real punishment unless you are a stevedore. There are two basic methods to increase the intensity. The first is to use an implement; you can pick anything you like but a small paddle or wooden hairbrush is very painful indeed.
The second technique, which is very important, is to whack not only hard but more rapidly. This deprives her of the time to adjust to adjust to the pain of each blow. Spanking hard and rapidly can bring the pain to unbelievable levels and will amply satisfy her desire for you to punish her.
Things you can anticipate happening if things go well (not necessarily on the first spanking, but as you continue to build intensity).
She’ll bruise, maybe a lot. She may bleed. That’s all OK although you should discuss the possibility with her first and if she bleeds you should remember that blood requires special precautions.
You should not set making her cry as your goal. Some women don’t cry even when they are being hurt a great deal, so you could be going too far. Conversely, some women do just fine being spanked more even after they have started crying. Instead of using her tears to learn how far to go, the spanking will teach you more about her tears.
It’s possible that she’ll have an erotic response; this isn’t common in hard spankings but it does happen. More likely it will just hurt like hell and she will experience the hard spanking as not erotic while it is happening, even though its anticipation and her later memories may be incredibly stimulating.
Another response that is more predictable is that although you have spanked her very hard indeed, she may well beg you to spank her more. This is great fun and the first thing to do, if her ass is not yet showing signs of destruction, is to spank her again, harder. But if she is thoroughly into subspace, this will not satisfy her; she’ll plead for more spanking the moment you finish. What’s a top to do?
It’s odd but true that early in the spanking she will want less spanking (since it hurts) but later on she will want more (she was right, there is something intoxicating about the experience). Your job as the top is to know that at this point it is literally not possible to satisfy her. So you’ll have to say, nicely but firmly, that in your judgment she’s been spanked enough and to end the spanking. I won’t suggest what you need next, I’m sure you don’t need my advice for that.
It’s also possible that she will experience the spanking as pure punishment and, instead of wanting more, be shaken by the experience. Continued sobbing or signs of emotional distress are a call to you for further action. Hold her, soothe her, tell her she was very brave and you care about her, and give her time. Wrap her in a blanket if needed, offer her the bottled water you have by the bedside, do whatever she seems to need; but the main thing she needs is your continued presence and physical comfort. She is not sobbing from the pain, it’s the emotional experience and you are vital to her recovery.
This may seem obvious, but it’s not. The instinctive response to a woman who bursts into shaking sobs and is unable to speak is to feel you’ve made a horrible mistake. Of course it’s possible you have, but it’s also possible this is part of the experience that will feel right to her. In any case, this is not the time for right or wrong. It’s very easy to think about you, to think you have gone too far, to say to yourself, “did I spank her too hard?” or to say to her “I’m sorry.” Fight the temptation to focus on yourself. Difficult as it is, this is the time to comfort and care for her. As she recovers there will be time to talk it all over.
Sometimes subs have mood crashes a few hours or a day or two after a scene (sub drop) and this can happen to you as well (top drop). Anticipate the possibility of her experiencing sub drop; check in with her regularly, ask how she’s doing, and express your continued love and concern.
This is a start in terms of general advice. How you put it to use should depend in part on how much spanking you and she have done in the past with other partners and with each other and how far you’ve pushed her limits in other ways. Perhaps both she and you are in a position to move directly to the punishment she desires; you would know that not by the strength of her desire, but by the breadth of her and your experiences so far. You are probably not there yet, and if in doubt, be cautious. Exploring in steps involves giving her lots of spankings, so the learning process should be delightful for you both.
I can’t cover everything in an e-mail; I probably couldn’t cover everything in a book, so this is necessarily selective. Most likely some of my suggestions will seem reasonable, others may provoke more questions. So feel free to let me know how this all seems and what further questions you have.
Best wishes,
Doc Tsai