It took me a while to understand or experience the connection between spanking and sexual arousal. But it all began to come clear to me at the age of 22, when I met my now husband (E). Somehow, I discovered that if I fantasized about his spanking me -- bare bottomed and hard --while we had sex, I came more easily and harder. I also masturbated to these same fantasies, although I didn't masturbate often because he disapproved. I never discussed my spanking desires with him because I thought they were deviant, and my overwhelming desire for perfectionism overwhelmed my desire for spanking.
I remember reading the Merck Manual, or maybe the DSM - IV on the subject of sado-masochism, and was entirely relieved to discover that one was not classified as masochistic if one only fantasized about spanking but did not actually practice it. Somehow I was satisfied to allow the medical textbook classification to govern my sexuality and sexual satisfaction. In any event, I couldn't reconcile my intellectual feministic leanings with the deep desire to be dominated and spanked sexually -- the two seemed deeply, irrevocably in conflict.
Interestingly, E. and I engaged in a bit of play spanking along the way of our relationship. There were times when E. could barely resist swatting my butt -- fairly hard -- if it lie exposed, or jean clad, on the bed. But I never discussed the depth of my spanking desires with him, never let him know that I fantasized about being spanked every time we had sex, and that every orgasm I had was brought forth by images of my being spanked, paddled, or caned.
So what prompted me, a few weeks back, to tell him about these fantasies, and even more directly, that I wanted him to spank me? Was it because I chose to do this on the phone, and that made it feel distanced and safe? Was it because I just frankly don't care anymore if this desire is right, wrong, deviant, in-born, learned, good, bad -- it just is, and I want it and that's all. Anyway, our conversation went something like this. E. -- "I've been really horny lately." Me -- "Yeah, me too, you know, I've been having all these spanking fantasies where you spank me." E.-- "Spanking fantasies. That's universal. Everybody has those."
I was relieved by this reception, happy not to have been shamed, and excited and scared to put into practice what for so long I had kept hidden. We have since embarked on this new sexuality, and it has been both wonderful and different than I had imagined. I must say that E.. is not quite on your level of wanting -- or allowing himself to admit that he wants -- to hurt. And, of course, I want him to totally control, to dominate the spanking situation, to spank until it really hurts, beyond my conception of when I want it to stop. It actually does hurt quite a bit when E. spanks, but I have been quite stoic about it, because I am afraid that if I express pain he will stop. And even as it is, he does stop too soon. I have tried to explain this to him -- that I want to surrender myself to him in this situation and that there is pleasure in the pain. I am not sure he is completely there yet, but I am hopeful. We have really just started.
I could write a lot more about our spanking adventures, but that was not the point of this delurk. It was to share, to uncloak myself in the virtual sense of the word, and to let you know how important your site -- you really -- were for me in understanding my desire and in accepting it.
So thank you again. I feel deeply in your debt.
All the best, UT.