My Boyfriend Thought I was Sick (November 28, 2006)
Dear Doc,
* * *
I cannot reach that place of being "frantic with pain.” (Correction: I have been there only once -- and the instant I reached that place, with the view of the horizon and close enough to the clouds to touch, he stopped, feeling he'd finally gotten me to that place and that that was all that was necessary. The poor dear. In my heart and mind and soul, that is when it should all begin.) Besides that one single time, so many years ago I can't propose a number, I cannot get to the place that I am begging for the spanking to stop... yes, because of my own foolishness, control and pride. And yes, it is my own loss for it.
But I wonder sometimes if it is not also helped along by the lack of the psychological aspects of a spanking that could go to work on my mind and heart as thoroughly as a thorough spanking gives attention to my backside. When I hear the angst in her voice as she begs you to stop, and yet you continue on and on, heedless, with those sharp cracks and your calm control... I feel that I am listening to a nirvana no longer attainable for me.
Is it just the spanking sounds? Not in the least, though they are very satisfying as well! I can get spanking sounds alone from a hundred other sites. It is her true internal surrender, and your push. Amazing. Very unlike my own experiences... for a myriad of bizarre reasons too boring to prolong this letter.
I hope you know, I mean to say all that by way of a compliment. A compliment you surely won't understand in its depth, just because you don't know me. Please believe me, this is a glorious thing, and I am amazed in listening to it all over again. I think I will go listen to that six-minute paddle session again as well, for many the same reasons.
* * *
Satia
Beyond the Bounds of Reason, November 30, 2006
Dear Doc;
* * *
. . . I often notice our need to break down our spanking actions to only "pain" and "pleasure", as though they were the only roots -- the "0"s and "1"s of spanking-binary. I simply do not believe we are that two-dimensional, and hold that there are as many items dealt with inside ourselves during a trip down that pit as there are spectrums of light.
I completely agree that it is hard to describe some of our experiences as less than "spiritual". Regardless of faith, we are creatures that have spirit and soul and beliefs as much as opinions, and some of our feelings certainly can only fall into that description. Good point!
"Agony", yes, I agree. Denoting the strain of our will, our growth, our widening wisdom to every new world we experience. "Angst" -- my favorite, for those of us who go beyond the physical to the emotional, mental, and spiritual vulnerabilities caused by the spankings that effect us the most.
(Funny, a month ago, I couldn't find "angst" in Webster’s. Am I spelling it wrong?)
We work so hard to accept our true nature, only to spend the rest of our lives justifying our acceptance. We try so diligently to convince first ourselves, then necessary others, of our personal needs and yearning for a moment that could be viewed as "sick", "abuse", "perverted", etc.
I don't care. I don't care if it is viewed by those in my vanilla life as disgusting, while half of them would giggle in secret unsung desire behind covering hands. I don't care if others in spanking condemn my need for pain, fulfillment, punishment, agony, discipline, or pleasure, -- connected or not! -- as being over the top or unhealthy... or as limited and stifled because I would not seek out more in a direction where I do not like the taste, or where I just didn't want to tread at that time.
I do not care. No more than I care who rolls their eyes at my opinions on politics, or my relationships with my family, or my faith. It’s my life, after all. When they live a day in my world, then they can be afforded a single eye-roll. When they’ve lived a week in my life, then they can be given a chance to laugh, if they still wish.
At least... I try not to care.....
And yet, I am not at all exempt from my own spice of self-condemnation, by any means. Or gracelessness toward others. The best I can do is keep exploring, and learning.
And heck. If your candle blows out, our eyes will adapt.
So, in my flowery way, I guess I'm trying to say that if we try to fit all of our experiences into just "pain" or "pleasure", I think we miss all the wonderful little events and offerings that are happening "behind the scenes"... and blind ourselves to some risks we would not otherwise even notice.
Ok. Enough philosophical blather. I wanted to mention something you keep doing, and which you have so quickly already determined strikes me well and to the core -- as it must a great deal of women in my position. I absolutely admire your ability to consciously go beyond a woman's resistance toward the end goal you both truly want. You are so very right -- I wish more people had that mentality... at least more of the people I meet!
I have this guarded man-made strength that protects me. And when a spanker actually does come to a place of breaking through those walls – before, after, or during, and for whatever reason -- and when I show any of that fear or that pain at all, they tend to react as though I were screaming my head off, simply because of the contrast. Besides, they cannot deny that those moments are real for me, and most of the time, I, at that particular moment, really do not want to face whatever I'm about to face, or facing!
This sincerity has the most peculiar effect on so many tops. I never cease to be amazed at how much I have to provide a preamble or post-amble push to even seasoned tops, to actually hurt me past that point... which never seems to be applied when push comes to shove!
Which is also a bit humorous because in that moment, darned if I'm going to push for it then!
So, I very often get away with far, far, far too little of the experiences I yearn for, which only leaves me with regrets and disappointment later. None strong enough to beat out my survival instinct, the desire to not go further when I'm right in the moment. But always later fills me with discouragement, and makes me jaded as a whole.
Here you are, not listening to the pleas -- pleas that I only wish I could voice so that they would be ignored, or better yet, used against me for further torment!!!
In fact, I adore the refreshing honesty with which you handle these circumstances. That you simply want to hurt them. And then hurt them more.
* * *
Anyway, I absolutely adore that you seem to understand the need to push past that point of resistance and regret and back-tracking. I've never been in a situation I couldn't back-track or justify out of. Which means that I have to keep control of my own reactions and not give in too much -- or else I'll back-track and get out of it!! :) My goal is sadly often to not allow myself the release that makes me want to back-track... in other words, to take the responsibility of the application of the spanking upon myself, so as not to interrupt a worthy process..... and here I am, digressing again.
* * *
I keep re-reading your statement, "At the moment when the pain surges and her suffering begins to exceed the bounds of reason, she not only does not accept it, she rejects and resists, but I relentlessly force the pain into and through her."
Oh so very true. And you are so very right that this is what appeals to me in those sound clips. Are you always so perceptive?
When you say that pushing past that point and beyond is, “the center of the experience” for you as well,... is it? And if she were not getting any pleasure out of it -- but was still fulfilled in some sense eventually -- would you still gain such satisfaction?
The problem with calling things a type of virginity is the subtle meaning that such an experience could never happen in its entirety again. Does this mean that, once one of these women has been through such a time, they cannot get there again? What if Michele returned... would it be less powerful for her because she found she did actually survive and come out the other end of the experiences? How could it keep its strength each time?
Argh. Still sentimental and philosophical. I should have stayed away from the keyboard tonight while the moon is in my eyes and echoes of my spanking tonight still blare in my ears. No wonder I am so closely feeling the lack of such a push, and such psychological control you write about. Ah well, at least I have a warm backside, and you won't ever hear me (honestly) complain about that!
Ok, enough damage. It will surely take you a few days just to read this thing. I warned you, I tend to write long letters. But I will try to cut it down more next time.
* * *
Satia
11/30/06
Dear Satia,
Thanks for the note. The longer the better, in my book. And I don’t care if each word is exquisitely chosen and properly spelled. I’d rather have more imperfect sentences so as to have more of your thoughts.
I am an early morning person but all too often awaken at around 3 or so with spanking fever that nothing but a long wank session will ease. So here I am . . . reading with interest about your warm bottom . . .
Tell me about your spanking, Satia.