This is for the adult who needs to talk with a teen about spanking, and in particular about the sexuality of spanking.
Perhaps your teen has asked you about adult spanking. Perhaps you become aware that this topic is on his or her mind because you are looking for a lost pair of shoes and find a paddle stashed deep in a closet, or you see a comment on his or her Facebook page that makes it obvious. Perhaps the tables are turned, and your teen has found your spanking stash and asks you for an explanation.
If this topic threatens to become a family crisis, please seek help from a professional counselor (I have some thoughts about finding a counselor at Finding a Therapist). But you also need a way to discuss the topic that feels comfortable to you. Here are my suggestions for what you should know, and what you might say. If you have questions or comments, please let me know.
This is the way I would talk to my own teen son or daughter. As parents know, you can’t just start talking – this has to be a dialogue. But these concepts should be helpful to you.
Different Aspects of Spanking
Spanking can be many things. It can be
· A way to punish a child who has misbehaved (a teen should not be punished by spanking!)
· A way to casually play with someone’s butt, either innocently or sexually. Imagine three boys at a birthday party. Someone suggests that each partygoer give the birthday girl a spank. One boy might consider this simple fun, one might find it sexually stimulating, and for the third the idea of spanking the girl’s bottom might be very sexually exciting. The third boy may be confused by his reaction and afraid that others at the party will notice his flushed face (and perhaps his erection).
· A way for adults to administer or receive punishment or discipline. Some adult couples use spanking to enforce rules and punish mistakes. Some adults want to be spanked to release tension or obtain freedom from feelings of guilt. These spankings usually have sexual overtones but they may also be nonsexual.
· A form of sexual activity. Some people find giving or receiving a spanking to be extremely sexually exciting, even though it may also be painful.
Does Somebody Want to Spank You?
If you’re a teen, you are, in my opinion, too old to be spanked. If an adult (not a parent) wants to spank you that is a sexual proposition. If you and a friend of your own age are experimenting with spankings, that may be all right depending on the circumstances, but don’t allow yourself to get into a position where you are doing spankings with an adult.
I can’t stop thinking about spanking . . . am I a freak?
A freak is different from everyone else. But while not everybody is interested in spanking, there are a lot of people who are.
If you love spanking, you are not alone.
I don’t think there’s any good information on how many people enjoy thinking about, or doing, spanking. Enough people love spanking that there are
· hundreds, and perhaps thousands, of web sites devoted to spanking
· clubs devoted to spanking and other related activities in most major US cities
· books and magazines specializing in spanking
Spanking and Sexuality
For most people who enjoy spanking, it is not just punishment – it is sexual.
For some people, spanking is all the sexual activity they want, and giving or receiving a spanking carries them all the way from arousal to orgasm. There is nothing wrong with this.
For other people, spanking mixes with other sexual activity to make a complete experience. The other activity could be oral, vaginal, anal or simple masturbation, and it could be heterosexual or gay or lesbian. Everyone has a butt, so spanking mixes well with any gender or sexual identity.
Do I Need Help?
Just thinking about spanking, even a lot, doesn’t mean you are sick or need help. If it interferes with the rest of your life, then you need help. Any fantasy is OK, but if you have thoughts of actually doing physical harm to someone else, or of having harm done to you, then you do need help.
Who Can Help Me?
Mental health professionals help people understand how to live fulfilling lives no matter what their sexual fantasies. Usually these are counselors such as psychologists or social workers who provide therapy. In my experience, the best place to find nonjudgmental therapists is to look for those who advertise as helping gay and lesbian people. They are less likely to think you are sick just because you think about spanking a lot. Psychiatrists can sometimes be very helpful, but nowadays many psychiatrists primarily prescribe medication and do not do counseling. If you want to see a psychiatrist, that can be a smart move -- but make sure the one you're thinking of seeing offers what you want.
If you’re not sure how to find, or to pay for, a counselor like this, talk with a trusted parent, friend, relative, or teacher.
Is Spanking Sexist?
Spanking can be carried out in a sexist way, like anything else. But there is nothing inherently sexist about spanking. If a woman wants to be spanked, that is not an expression of gender stereotyping; it’s an expression of her individual sexual preferences, something we should all celebrate. In some heterosexual couples, the man spanks the woman; in others, it is the other way around; and there are couples who take turns giving and receiving.
Is Spanking Cruel?
Well, sure, a spanking can be cruel . . . who knew! But spankings can also be a loving way (and perhaps also painful at times, but a welcome pain) for couples to enjoy intimate time together.
Is spanking sick, illegal, or unethical?
Hmm . . . let’s take those one at a time.
Is it sick?
Any form of sexual activity can be a sickness if you spend so much time on it that the rest of your life is screwed up. But spanking is not a sickness if you are still able to take care of your family, school, and other responsibilities.
Is it illegal?
Unless you are a parent spanking a child, spanking is illegal if it is done without the consent of the person being spanked. Spanking web sites (like this) spend a lot of time talking about when and how people can consent to being spanked. If the person being spanked consents, then it’s probably legal.
Is it unethical?
Ethics (or morality) is something each person must decide individually. In my opinion, spanking can be either ethical or unethical, depending on the details. Spanking between two people who care about each other is just fine; spanking that is used to hurt someone else (in ways he or she doesn’t want) is unethical and immoral, as well as illegal.
Is Spanking Safe?
Spanking itself is very safe. The most dangerous part for most people is finding a partner to spank or be spanked by. There are dangerous people out there who want to hurt or kill you. There is danger in seeking spanking partners over the internet . . . or in person.